Time Flies When You're Having Fun - One Year Later

I cannot for the life of me fathom it being over a year since I last wrote. Where has the time gone?

The past few months have been ones spent reflecting, inwardly and outwardly, on life. I have been continually stumbling upon affirmation after affirmation and I was reminded that there was once a time where I did write these things down. For those of you kind enough to give time to reading these blogs I have to apologize for being so distant. It has been a busy year, in a lot of ways, and my hand was forced to be a bit more selfish than I naturally am (He said coyly and with a kind sense of humour) Sometimes writing open heartedly can be emotionally taxing and it would take a lot for me to commit to it. I also have been in several different head spaces over the past year which would have contributed to many conflicting posts! I hope I can make up for it. I wanted this blog to be personal. There are things I want to discuss with myself in these words, to affirm. Although, I suppose most posts have been as such. Well...

 For those who do follow however, again, I cannot believe it has been a full year. A year ago today (this was first written October 1st. I've been sitting on it for quite a while) I was bed ridden and being monitored 24 hours a day. Now I have a full head of hair, am working lightly and going the gym nearly five days a week! Needless to say, I'm in a much better place.
A point I should make clear, that I should have immediately once I knew, is that I am in remission. (Cancer free) This happened many months ago but the excitement of it wasn't as relieving for me as perhaps it should have been. At the time it wasn't the cancer that I was struggling with, it was the treatment and, cancer or not, I still had two years of it. I think this is one point that people untouched by cancer don't necessarily understand. Most of the suffering that comes from cancer (and please forgive my ignorance towards other types of the disease if I am speaking out of line) is not from the cancer directly, but the treatment of it. The chemotherapy in a sense, was designed to destroy me, almost all of me, cancer included, as to allow for my body to recover anew. This is the best type of treatment we have. I like to believe that 50 years from now this cycle will seem as barbaric as using leeches to alleviate headaches. This is what caused my suffering. A complete and utter breaking down of my physical self and also, more detrimentally, my mental, emotional self. I'll never be able to fully explain where your head and heart are while undergoing intense chemotherapy. Most cancer patients I've spoken with or read about understand what I mean by that. And with that, I'll be able to provide no more explanation to you. I've tried many times to express it but it is something that cannot be empathized and I believe it's because of this that there is so much unknown, feared mystery surrounding cancer. It is a burden to those experiencing it, and sometimes even more so to those angry with the fact that they cannot experience it. Cannot understand it.

It took a lot, nearly all of me to truly understand the sides and depths of cancer and its effect on not only me but those around me. The barriers stated above are just some of the struggles surrounding it. Unable to communicate feelings, unable to understand thoughts, unable to express and be comforted properly. It is no wonder to me now why so much energy is put into cancer and its effects. I admit at first I didn't understand. I couldn't relate to the emotions that people foretold. I couldn't believe the stresses and worries it would bring into my life. I was ignorant and perhaps even arrogant towards it. In hindsight however, I'm not upset that I chose that course of action. My youthful arrogance gave me strength through a lot of things and for that I'm grateful. I also did not allow myself to submit to the emotion of it all before it was my time. I allowed it to make itself known when it needed to. Giving me many months of plutonic unemotional fighting and healing.

To all those who have been instrumental in my recovery, you have been selfless and loving and I am eternally grateful to you. I know it's been hard... It's still hard. I know I've been selfish and short and up and down and tense and hostile and unexplainable. I know you cannot understand and I cannot properly express. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and understanding. Completely blind understanding. Please know that every second I've spent with you has been a precious, absolutely necessary one. I've turned a blind eye to conflict to make my own life easier and that wasn't fair. I hope I can make it up to you all when I'm in a better place. I've said this plea to some and they've countered saying "There's no need to apologize, you didn't choose to have this happen to you!" But they, you, didn't choose for this to happen to you either. Witnessing the suffering of someone you love will forever be more difficult than suffering yourself. It wasn't fair to any of us. I simply hope we can agree that we are all equal in our confusion and pain. Not one of us hurts more or understands more or knows more or loves more than the other. We have all been placed in an uncomfortable and unnatural situation and I hope that we may start fresh once this interruption has passed. I know we can. We owe it to ourselves.

 There have been several lessons I've taken from this experience but one of the most important, for me, was the understanding and appreciation of time. I admit as a youth I was hasty and was driven to succeed quickly. I don't quite know where the mentality came from but you can go all the way back to my grade 4 teacher who would constantly remind me to slow down on tests. This need to finish quickly and move on was a blessing and a curse. It bounced me from city to city chasing dreams and aspirations which was exciting and helped me grow but it also kept me from committing to any one thing for an extended period of time. What was unique about cancer was I had no choice. I was forced, against my will, to stop for two years. No matter how much I hated it, no matter how much I wanted to move on I was forced to stop, slow down, and work towards a goal. This may seem small to some people but for me I it was huge and necessary. The universe needed to teach me something and if I can find any blessing in all of this, it's this new found understanding of time.
Time has allowed me to see things differently. To see people and relationships and careers and passions with more detail. It's taught me the importance of really getting to know someone, or to really learn something through and through. Where I would normally jump ship I was forced to stay put and ponder. Observe. Appreciate and understand. I began seeing the great value of time. The experience and expertise one can develop if many years are spent at something. It also allowed me to not fear time. The fear of growing up was a subconscious barrier that wouldn't allow me to commit for any long period but embracing the fact that 4 years, in the grand scheme, is not long helped me understand the importance of taking the time. The focus fortunately was all on me. Where most people would go to school for two years and study a medium, I was forced to spend 2 years studying myself. My psyche. My heart and mind. It wasn't necessary, but it was available and interesting. To spend all this time mastering who I was is an amazing blessing. A lot of my time was spent doing nothing. Exploring silence, exploring self. Or more time was spent listening instead of speaking. A lot of time was spent finding who I wanted to be when I came out of it all, and who I was prior to this. Sometimes it seems as though I was a terrible student of life. I rushed all the assignments but didn't truly pay attention. So I had to spend some time in the dunce corner. Awful analogy I know but I can't help but think it. And be grateful for it.

I'd love to believe that I could preach the importance of slowing down, appreciating time and spending time on self but I was preached that several times before and it never stuck. Maybe it was me, or maybe we all simply need an experience that stops us for our perspective to be effected. I pray it not need be cancer but something. Something small like witnessing a kind act, or something beautiful like the birth of a child. Something that creates a spark in your mind and makes the world slow long enough for you to absorb its importance. Its wonder. I hope that happens for you one day, because once the world stops spinning so fast everything becomes clearer. Everything is noticed, nothing is for granted. It's quite peaceful actually. And while I haven't mastered me or this mindset yet, I am aware of them and striving daily.
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I may continue this blog with a few separate parts. Different affirmations each blog. Since I can never seem to finish it all in one session.

The moral of the story is this;

Thank you all. From the deepest, most sincere place in my heart. Whether you've supported me directly or simply spent a second of your day to think about how I am, I am grateful, and I admire you dearly. We all have our lessons to learn. Some come more drastically than others but always be aware and always be eager to learn. Gone is the mind who turns away knowledge, especially knowledge of self.

 I'm in a good place that's constantly getting better.
 If we can make every tomorrow better than today, what an incredible life we'll lead.

 -ILM