Constantly in the Darkness, Where's That At?

Identity is a hard thing to come by.

I'm not talking about individualism. I think that comes quite naturally. But instead, to have an identity that's your own. To have more than just an image, but a presence that is yours.
I guess everyone by default has an identity. Where the struggle lies is in finding the one you are in tune with.
I've always struggled with an identity. I've been so interested in so many things that it's taken away my ability to develop a single, strong identity. I've been spread so thin, across so many mediums that to consider myself one solid structure of mind and soul would be impossible. At least at this point in my life.
The search for passion and identity have revealed themselves to me as being identical quests. I've been under the impression that my journey has been to seek out my passion and the activities I love. But in reality, the search has been for the person I am passionate being.

Am I most in love while playing music, or while being a musician?

I think this ultimate question has altered my view on where I stand in life. I've given a year of my life to following a passion of mine. It has been a year of absolute extremes. I have been the happiest I have ever been in my life, and also the saddest. I have played shows and been enamoured, I have worked hard and been exhausted.
What bothers me however, while I sit here on my approximate one year anniversary of moving to Toronto, is that something is still missing inside me. Pursuing music hasn't filled the void of creativity I figured it would.
I'm doing everything in my power to make sure that the void I am feeling isn't just a void for international success (because clearly that hasn't happened) but an emotional void. I don't want to kick myself two years from now because I stopped my journey on a count of a lack of a million dollar bank account and private jet. I want to believe I'm less materialistic than that.
I've spent a lot of time lately trying the delve into the unconscious that is my consciousness to find what it is that will be my place. Who and what will I be to sustain a level head and a happy heart. I know it will involve music but will it involve me being a musician by trade? My latest trend has been to try and figure out what my constant has been all my life. I mean, generally speaking, I've been happy all my life, and there are some things, or perhaps, one thing that has kept that happiness thriving. A constant state of mind and being that has contributed to my self happiness. I figure if I can pin point exactly what that constant has been than I can focus in on things that develop that constant and in turn find a comfortable place in life.
My worry though, is I won't find one.
My worry is, I will find that I have attached myself to something completely new every 6 months and I have coasted by off the fumes of small individual highs. The research of my psyche, unfortunately, is beginning to reveal this. I have jumped ship from activity to activity, group to group, love to love, friends to friends so much and so fast that I find there to be a huge lacking of...consistency in my life. The only things that have been around since day one is a small flame for music, a handful of friends and my family. This could all explain why I have been craving my family as of late. I miss them something fierce these days. I'm without my constant.
So for now I need to find something to keep my mind off not having a constant. I need a goal. Which I'm also sort of lacking in. I never thought I would be upset about not having goals to achieve but it really is daunting. Just floating by day to day is exhausting and depressing! I need some goals that I'm passionate about and I need to find my constant.

Those are my "to do's" this week. I'm here for at least another year so why not do everything I can to work hard, accomplish as much as I can creatively and find all the things that I love the most. All the things I love to do that make me feel the most comfortable in my own skin.

Because if anything is constant, it's that.

These are the Nights on Which Dreams are Built...

These are the nights on which dreams are built,
as heat consumes my breath.
The thick night air can spark my mind,
a beating in my chest.

These are the nights on which dreams are built,
with winter fleeting past.
The cold of limitation hides,
while the sun sets late at last.

These are the nights on which dreams are built,
with jackets stowed away.
A murmur from the anxiousness,
of those throughout the day.

These are the nights on which dreams are built,
when nothing seems too hard.
No moments of uncertainty,
no shield and no sword.

These are the nights on which dreams are built,
the walk from town to town.
Mother earth reclaims her kin,
with blossom all around.

These are the nights on which dreams are built,
the fear of life, oppressed.
On nights like these we dance and sing,
in cotton and in dress.

These are the nights on which dreams are built,
the past can haunt with joy.
Friendly faces lit by fire,
youth amongst the noise.

These are the nights on which dreams are built,
we close our eyes and breathe.
Now open to right here, right now
a place we haven't seen
in many months.

These are the nights on which dreams are built,
we laugh and love and miss.
The evening brings a moonlit scene,
each hot with moisture's kiss.

These are the nights on which dreams are built,
and I have been here before.
My childhood is woven tight,
with springtimes loving lore.

Blessed are these nights of dream,
where freedom has no guilt.
Close your eyes and fall in love,
on this night when dreams are built.


..i love summer

Oh Drat, Recycle That...

Well... It's official. I'm a hippie.

It took an honest concern for recycling efforts, the tireless search for organic clothing and the all day quest for local artisan print shops to make me truly realize it. And yet, I have never been so proud of a title!
I'll be honest. I once sat on the hillside and watched as peaceful soldiers warred against industry and environmental stability. I had zero intent of ever becoming involved. I figured the world was far too large for my hand to have any impact. And maybe in a small north western ontario city it didn't. But being in the heart of industrialism and the desolation of human-nature contact has become an eye opening blessing for me and has forced me to become involved, no matter how small an impact.
All my life I've expressed my want to change the world, and yet, I never targeted the earth itself as something to change. Strange how that is.
I guess, contributing also, is my constant surrounding of creatives and artisans. Who all think, feel, breathe, eat, sleep, and voice the same ideals! Community is uber important! The environment should be fixed and CAN be fixed! Peace and love CAN exist in humanity! AND! we all don't get paid enough... among other things.

In any case, it's a beautiful movement being involved in all this. Whether the change is huge, it's significant enough to change my lifestyle and that's big enough for me right now.

With my mind wandering to new places of opinions and critical thought, I have managed to strike up a peculiar amount of serious conversations about the world these days, with many different people. Where I differ from most traditional hippies, however, seems to lie in my absolute fascination and belief in what technology is doing to change our world.
A fair amount of people claim technology to be the rival. Too many cars, too much internet, too many cell phones, not enough real communication, so on and so forth. And yet I beg to differ.
Whenever someone challenges me with that I ask them why. Why is it so bad that we have internet? Why is it bad to have a fast means of transportation? Why is it bad to have available contact all the time?
The most common example. Cell phones. Or smart phones in particular. A lot of people will argue that they are deteriorating the memory of our generation. No one remembers things any more, they just find it. But why is this a bad thing? Why is it better for me to spend years and years of my life memorizing facts when instead I can have the world knowledge in my hand. I can find any answer, solve any conundrum, build anything, find anything... Live better? I'd sure say so. Instead of going to university for 7 years, teach yourself skills that you adore and put them to use. Spend time talking to people and growing with your community instead of cooped up studying or in structured classes. Start clubs and organizations that encourage creativity and passions. It is a HUGE opportunity that many people look negatively towards because it's been such a fast change. If you ever want me to rant about how exciting something is, ask me about smart phones. I could go on forever.

Because things changed so quickly with technology, people didn't have time to adjust. So we now sit thinking, "only 5 years ago I had to walk to my friends house to talk to them!" and you are threatened by all this new stuff happening so fast. Yet, if we open our minds to how fast it's moving and how much unbelievable potential it has. We may be able to see a lighter side to things.
There are a ton of technologies right now that are soooo advanced in a crazy cataclysmic way! There was a bit of a stumble at the start line with technology. The people with money invested in technology to make more money. So most of what technology became was destructive. But now, with technology being accessible to nearly the entire globe. The earth is catching up in the race! People are developing such life changing ideas that I have given all my faith to a world run by technologies. Man and machine are now shifting to restore the earth back to its stable setting. And the faster we ALL get on board, the faster these things will change, and the faster things like pollution and clear-cutting, and mountain-top mining, and starvation will become eradicated from our world. Sounds pretty good to me. Sounds like something worth investigating.

I'm almost certain I could write a book with how passionate I have become about this stuff! I'd call it, "Man and Machine: An Uneducated, Passionate Rant"

All in all, do me a favour and spend some time checking out these websites. (organizations and ideas provided by the internet. The best thing EVER)

Jason Mraz knows what I be sayin:
http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/

Hate junk mail? Save some trees!
http://www.41pounds.org/savetreesvideo/default.asp

Trees = You being a alive. Take a friggen second for em! Oh and CHECK out their partnerships!
http://www.treesftf.org/about.htm

What happens when you recycle? FIND OUT YO!
http://www.explorethecycle.com/

If we can do this, we can do ANYTHING!
http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2010/04/towel-folding-robot-could-fix-laundry-woes/

Extremist Group but Pretty interesting Ideas:
http://www.thevenusproject.com/

Me Oh, Me Oh, My....

MY, my, my, it has been a while since I last blogged.

I could put the blame on many things from being too busy or being too tired or not being inspired enough to write, but tonight... I have zero excuses. I've been home sick too many days to not scribe at least a small fraction of my mind for an evening. I feel I owe that to myself. To my creativity and my growth.

I tell you. Over the past few weeks I have grown a fair amount. I've come to realize that I was a class A late bloomer. (Self discovery speaking) I was a goof off for a large part of my childhood years and I think I can begin to finally say I'm becoming a man. I always had images of who I wanted to be in my mind, but could never bring myself to being that person. Whether it be peer pressures or simply an honest ignorance, I could not act the way I wanted to. And no, I find no shame in admitting that later than at 18 years old. I was, and most definitely am, still a child in many aspects of my life. However I am slowly but surely making my way down the checklist of maturity and "me finding". At least I think so.

I've begun to develop in me an eternal calm about most things. I have been pretty stressed out as of late and I think that the sudden shock of me moving to a place like Toronto has instilled in me an ability to let go. It's only been discovered recently, but it's a great thing to have. I have spent a fair bit of time talking with people and observing people and it has let me truly find what the worst of community is and what the best of community is, and from that I've started shaping myself accordingly. A deep breath here and there helps me get centred and be at peace.

Yang. Whilst a wonderful sense of calm is created in my mind. I am finding I am beginning to HATE the pace at which this city runs because of it. A quick jaunt back to Thunder Bay always reminds me of this. People in this city are absolute robots, and I became one! Wake up, go to work, come home, go to bed. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. And yet, it seems to be the only way to get along in this town. If you stop for a moment you get bulldozed.

To close. With my path to self discovery becoming more and more beaten I am finding an honest love for...stopping. Stopping and appreciating. This city is very far from who and what I am and what I want to be. I am beginning to find that I am not a man of accomplishment but of experience. And what makes me know that is I am happy saying it. I can say I don't care to accomplish big things with a happy heart. Things and, possessions, and money are fleeting my heart. Life is becoming more and more a canvas for beautiful moments. I am back to breathing the air and tasting life.

How long can I stay behind the city scape? Who knows. But I am content for now. I can smile and live. I have found a routine I don't mind and that's alright with me. Take life as it comes and stop for the moments that count.

This was all a bit of a loose leafed rant but I always enjoy writing. Being creative in some way. My cough has kept me from singing so instead I write.

P.S. - What a beautiful and powerful obligation it is to be an artist and a creative. Blessed are all those with creativity bursting from their hearts. I have come to hold you all so dear to my heart. Mankind commends you as I commend you. Never be afraid of creativity. Do something and think something different each and every day.

I have woken up with this clarity a few times now. Lovely days those were... Lovely days indeed.

In Honesty and Creativity,

-Isaac

I HATE TO READ!!!

I know, I know.

Any teacher who reads this blog will shutter at the title.

But hear me out before any comments are made towards my fierce statement.

I do enjoy... no, rather, I love and respect books, and writers, and all things literary. (I was actually a star reader in grade school) The whole premiss of taking in another's interpretation of fictional and non-fictional events is actually quite intriguing to me. It definitely broadens one's idea of things. Make your mind more universally charged. Finding the simplistic beauty of the way someone unfolds a story, or even a sentence or two. I get the hub-bub, I do.

And, to be honest, as of late, I have done everything in my power to become one of the literary types. Spending trips to and from work learning about omens in Egypt and taking an ear-opening, mind-blowing investigation into an obsession at the centre of human nature. Falling asleep imagining a small indian boy cast away in the ocean. My issue lies not within the context of the books! I crave adventure and knowledge, I do!

Ever since I was young I wanted to be a reader. I found the whole, introverted, tucked-away lifestyles of readers calming and captivating. Anyone who read seemed to have some extra knowledge of how the world worked and how language worked. They were far more suave and interesting than those who didn't read. It's like they all took a "beginning to read" course that went on to outline proper word edict and how to always sound smarter than someone whether or not you actually were. I wanted to be able to tell everyone that my desk rested on piles of books that I've read....twice. And I have my own library of novels that I can site and quote individually in appropriate conversation. But I always had an issue with finishing a novel...

And I finally realize why!

I'm FAR to damn interested in my own life to read anything! There are waaaaay to many incredible, amazing, magical, life-altering things happening right in front of me, all the time, for me to ever devote a significant amount of time to a book. I want to! Believe me I want to so badly! So many books have the ability to truly help you lead and see a better life. But man-oh-man, I can't make it through a book. Not to mention I have a wildly overactive imagination and that imagination is always backed by, "Anything that can be imagined can be created!" SO, on top of my interesting situations, AND my overactive imagination, I am actively creating my universe! And I personally think that feat needs some serious dedication and care. My universe is something I need to specially craft to my specifications! It's kind of a big deal.

I'll sit on the subway for an hour, open "Life of Pi" and begin reading about Pi's day to day activities in his fathers Zoo. How each day he wakes up, and begins his day by passing hippos and wild birds and zebras and lions. He goes on to describe the morning routines of each of these animals and the majestic beauty and precision each animal has.

That paragraph alone has now got me thinking about how incredible it would be to live in a zoo! I begin to hatch schemes and plans on how I would accomplish such a thing. Simultaneously I think about how I'd love to have my guitar with me right at that moment because the man sitting in front of me has a bongo. ** (see asterisk attachment at bottom)

Having my guitar seeds a new thought which then blossoms into the fact that having a guitar on a train would be fun, then the thought of trains brings me to thinking about how I've never ridden on a real train, then a real train brings me to thinking about traveling, and anyone who knows me well enough would know that if I were to be traveling, with trains, it would be through Ireland, and with my "where" now established I would interject with my previous theory on the joys of living in a zoo, and then, porously, I would devise a plan to have myself backpacking through Ireland, and offering zookeepers work for a week in exchange for room/board and an opportunity to experience a morning with the animals.

For some reason or another I'm 4 pages further in the book and have no idea what's going on in the story. But I've consciously decided that I'm going to backpack Ireland and follow through with said plan. And that was a simple example. Just imagine what happens when I read a book full of mysticism and adventure. One chapter takes me 3 weeks to finish!

Alas, my wound.

My life is a story of its own in need of thorough narration and poetry. I don't mean to ever dismember the thought of enjoying a good book, but I have far to much adventure and exploration to do in my own real life to spend time in another.

One day, when I've done everything I've ever imagined. Then... then will I sit down, and read away my days, filling in the blanks that I could not have done on my own, and creating new adventure for the days to come.

cheers,

IM

** Bongo and hand drum players are, usually, the only musicians I would approach in a public setting and ask to jam with them. The reason being is that although I have a so called "creative feather dans mon chapeau" I still have very little knowledge of music theory and music playability. If I were to ask a trumpet player in the street to jam, he would most likely immediately begin to speak in music jargon, establishing such basics as the key of the following jam, whether it be played in a 4/4 time or a 4/8 time based on the projected audience of said jam, so on and so forth. Thus trumping (no slight pun intended) my ability to play whatsoever.)

Happy Best Year Ever...

I've made it my ultimatum that 2010 will be the most successful, productive year of my life.

That being said, I've completely accepted the fact that with all of that teeming success comes oodles and oodles of struggle and turmoil. Thank you very much balance of the universe! Jerk.

New year resolutions include:

Staying organized (work, money, playing, practicing, staying in shape)

Slowly phasing out work at Apple for work on stages

Establishing a solid financial structure for savings

Begin work on 10,000 hours of practice on both guitar and vocals to master them both!

Read more

Document all creativity I can munger

Finish all my unfinished songs

Write many more songs

Be musically ready for the world by June ---> Have a HELLOVA summer!

Keep in touch with friends and family

Stay happy, stay healthy, stay productive.

I think that's a pretty solid list of things to do.

Ready, set, go world.

See you in 2011

:)